Posts Tagged ‘quotes’

This is an actual review on http://www.amazon.co.uk for Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel. Enjoy!

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good “. Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)

 

Awesome…  (source)

It’s been a while since my last post on my blog. Mainly this is because I am now a (temporary-for-now) stay-at-home-dad minding a 10 month young clown.

However, I found this today and I think if you do just one of these things each day it will enrich your life.

Here is one for my random thoughts category.

Yesterday, when I went to bed after a day enjoying my (almost) 9 month old son, my brain didn’t want to go to sleep just yet but decided to start thinking about the years to come and how they will look like.

I thought about my childhood,… about the things that I believe were great, yet my son probably won’t experience. Why? Simply because times have changed.

I was outside all the time, never cared about the weather. I grew up in an estate which was described as “the ghetto” of our city. Well, that wasn’t really the case,… perhaps only if you compare it to the oh so posh remainder of the city.

I knew it was time to go home either at dusk, when I felt like it or when my mum yelled at me from the kitchen window. If I was too far away to hear her, most likely some other neighbour kid was near enough and went off to search for me and tell me to go home.

Nowadays it’s different, the kids already have an iPhone. What’s the fun in that?

Or, I remember it was one of the greatest things ever to go outside in shorts, a shirt and no shoes (they wouldn’t be of any use anyway) on a rainy summer day. Run from shelter to shelter,… eventually give up and just lay down on the ground, soaking wet, let the rain hit your face and feel awesome.

You can’t do that with an iPhone in your pocket.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying iPhones are bad, in fact I am writing this post on my iPhone right now.

Anyway,… I could list a hundred more things, I think there are a ton of great things from the “good old days” that our next generation kids won’t be able to enjoy.

But I swear to god, I will do my best to raise my son well and show him the joy of a proper childhood.

Not the childhood of a non-socialised, junk food eating, console game addict kid with no manners.

“You don’t know when it hits you, but eventually you’ll reach the point when you decide to do nothing productive for the rest of the day.”

Me

Family Rules

Posted: 13. January 2012 in photography, What we believe in
Tags: , ,

Some nice guidelines for a happy family life 😉

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You might want to think twice before you spend all your hard earned money this year and consider improving someone’s life instead of getting that fancy toilet seat warmer.

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… what we believe in …

How to respond to nonsense

Posted: 1. December 2011 in why so serious?
Tags: , ,

This will be my response to the next guy trying to sell me something,…

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… or in my next argument with somebody.

And yes I know it has a spelling mistake 😉