Posts Tagged ‘humor’

This is an actual review on http://www.amazon.co.uk for Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel. Enjoy!

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good “. Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)

 

Awesome…  (source)

As you might have read in my About page, I will only post something about my private life if I think it is really worth sharing. Today is one of those days.

My mother in law came to visit for a couple of days to support us amateur parents. Today, while my wife and I had breakfast, granny looked after our son Vincent William upstairs.

While the radio played in the background we suddenly heard a very distinctive laugh. It was our son,… and he didn’t stop! So we went upstairs to have a look what was so funny,… and I had to pull the iPhone and capture him going crazy about ‘re-appearing’ laundry.

Have a look yourself 😉

 

 

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… I wanted to post this since ages …

Black Hairy Tongue

Posted: 24. February 2012 in fails, interesting
Tags: , , ,

I came across a very disturbing detail when I was reading the package leaflet of Clavamel Forte (Antibiotic) today:

Black Hairy Tongue???   Seriously?

First I had to laugh out loud (sarcastic me) but then it made me curious and I obviously immediately checked on the all-knowing Wikipedia and found this article.
It states:

Black Hairy Tongue

(in Latin, lingua villosa nigra) is the lengthening of papillae which are bumps on the surface of the tongue. Usually the ends of the papillae get rubbed away by food but sometimes they grow much longer than normal, making the tongue look furry. The extra tissue can get stained by food or tobacco and become yellowish brown or black.

Treatment

Even though it may appear alarming, black hairy tongue itself is harmless (although it is thought to be linked to the development of thrush). This condition does not involve any type of bacteria or fungi and generally resolves on its own; the recommended treatment is to brush the tongue with a soft toothbrush twice per day. Black hairy tongue is listed as a possible side effect while taking the antibiotic penicillin.

A similar condition can occur within 24 hours after taking Pepto-Bismol, especially chewable tablets, caused by a chemical reaction. It is short-lasting in duration, but may initially cause alarm.

 

Not that serious after all…

No, you’re not that big

Posted: 22. February 2012 in interesting
Tags: , , , , ,

Next time somebody upsets you, just think about how that guy is not that big 😉

(Via)

“You don’t know when it hits you, but eventually you’ll reach the point when you decide to do nothing productive for the rest of the day.”

Me

Hello everybody,

from reading some of my blog posts (or the ‘About’-Page) you might have guessed already that I am not a native english speaker. Nonetheless I am living in an english speaking country and I do catch weird phrases from time to time and just think, wtf?

Anyway, english might be one of, if not the most spoken language on this planet. Still, I think it has some weak moments and I think it is time to list but a few… 😉

Now, in no particular order and randomly collected in the internet:

Can anyone explain this pic below?

How strange can a language be?

  • There is no egg in an eggplant. It doesn’t look or taste like an egg.
  • There is no ham in a hamburger.
  • There is no pine nor apple in a pineapple.
  • Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
  • English muffins were not invented in England and French fries were not invented in France, so where did such names come from?
  • Some names seem to describe the opposite of what the things really are:
  • Quicksand pulls you down slowly.
  • Boxing rings are square.
  • A Guinea pig is not from Guinea and it is not a member of the pig family.
  • Some examples of why you cannot blindly follow English grammar rules:
  • If writers write and painters paint and riders ride, then why don’t fingers fing or hammers ham?
  • If the plural of tooth is teeth and the plural of goose is geese, then shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth and the plural of moose be meese? Maybe they should be, but they aren’t.
  • If the teacher taught, why didn’t the preacher praught?
  • If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what do you think a humanitarian eats?
  • How can a house that is burning up finally end in being burned down?
  • At a bank or loan office, how can you fill in the necessary information as you fill out the forms?
  • Why is it that when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible?
  • Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
  • Why do people park on driveways but drive on parkways?
  • Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
  • How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

Answer: I simply don’t know.

20 weird English words:

1. Erinaceous
Like a hedgehog

2. Lamprophony
Loudness and clarity of voice

3. Depone
To testify under oath

4. Finnimbrun
A trinket or knick-knack

5. floccinaucinihilipilification
Estimation that something is valueless. Proper pronunciation based on Latin roots: flockə-nowsə-nəkələ-pələ-fək-ation.

6. Inaniloquent
Pertaining to idle talk

7. Limerance
An attempt at a scientific study into the nature of romantic love.

8. Mesonoxian
Pertaining to midnight

9. Mungo
A dumpster diver – one who extracts valuable things from trash

10. Nihilarian
A person who deals with things lacking importance (pronounce the ‘h’ like a ‘k’).

11. Nudiustertian
The day before yesterday

12. Phenakism
Deception or trickery

13. Pronk
A weak or foolish person

14. Pulveratricious
Covered with dust

15. Rastaquouere
A social climber

16. Scopperloit
Rude or rough play

17. Selcouth
Unfamiliar, rare, strange, marvelous, wonderful. For example: The List Universe is such a selcouth website!

18. Tyrotoxism
To be poisoned by cheese

19. Widdiful
Someone who deserves to be hanged

20. Zabernism
The abuse of military power or authority. I wonder how long it will take for this one to show up in the comments.

There are also plenty of self-contradicting words in the English language.

I’m sure there is plenty of other stuff but I’ll let you do your own research 😉