Posts Tagged ‘funny’

This is an actual review on http://www.amazon.co.uk for Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel. Enjoy!

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good “. Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)

 

Awesome…  (source)

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  • Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
  • Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
  • Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
  • If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
  • The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
  • The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
  • An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
  • Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure. great discoveries are made by mistake.
  • Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
  • Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
  • All’s well that ends.
  • A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
  • The first myth of management is that it exists.
  • A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
  • New systems generate new problems.
  • To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
  • We don’t know one millionth of one percent about anything.
  • Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
    Arthur C. Clark
  • A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
  • Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day’s work.
  • Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even what book.
  • The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
  • To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
  • After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
  • Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
  • A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
  • If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
  • Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
  • .Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a “Pearl Harbor File.”
  • Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
  • If you can’t understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
  • The more cordial the buyer’s secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
  • In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
  • Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches.
  • All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
  • The only perfect science is hind-sight.
  • Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
  • If it’s not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.
  • If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  • When all else fails, read the instructions.
  • If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
  • Everything that goes up must come down.
  • Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
  • Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
  • Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
  • The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
  • A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
  • There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
  • The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
  • If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
  • If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you:
    1. no longer need it
    2. are in the middle of something else
    3. don’t want it to be fixed, because you really don’t want to do what you were supposed to do
  • Each profession talks to itself in it’s own language, apparently there is no Rosetta Stone
  • The more urgent the need for a decision to be made, less apparent become the identity of the decision maker
  • It is never wise to let a piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.
  • Don’t fix something that ain’t broke, ’cause you’ll break it and you still can’t fix it
  • You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
  • If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.
  • A screw will never fit a nut.
  • Standard parts are not.
  • When working on a motor vehicle engine, any tool dropped will land directly under the center of the engine.
  • Interchangeable tapes won’t
  • Never trust modern technology. Trust it only when it is old technology.
  • The bolt that is in the most awkward place will always be the one with the tightest thread.
  • The most ominous phrase in science: “_Uh_-oh . . .”
  • The 2nd worst thing you can hear the tech say is “Oops!” The worst thing you can hear the tech say is “oh s**t!”
  • Any example of hardware/software can be made fool-proof. It cannot, however, be made damn-fool-proof.
  • When any technological change is made, we have a graphic insult curve. No mater how high the insult curve climb, the important thing is how long it goes.
  • In today’s fast-moving tech environment, it is a requirement that we forget more than we learn.
  • It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make it simple.
  • Measurements will be quoted in the least practical unit; velocity, for example, will be measured in ‘furlongs-per-fortnight’.
  • In electronics repair the part with the highest failure rate will always be located in the least accessible area of the equipment.
  • Multi-million pound technology is worthless in the hands of morons.
  • High tech man-year = 730 people trying to finish a project before lunch.
  • An expert will always state the obvious.
  • The boss is always right.
  • On a cruise ship, the one, most important part you don’t have in stock always breaks on a Friday evening, just when you left harbor and the next time you will be in harbor is a Sunday or Christmas eve.
  • The chance a copy machine will brake down is proportional to the importance of the material that needs to be copied and inversely proportional to the amount of time till the material will be needed.
  • Maintenance department neglect customer’s complains till it starts installations in customer’s new projects.
  • The probability any machine breaks down increases with the importance of expected visit.
  • if it works in theory, it won’t work in practice.
    if it works in practice it won’t work in theory.
  • No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows more.
  • No part ever fails where you can reach it, or where there is enough light to see how to replace it.
  • Any tool dropped will fall where it can cause the most damage.
  • Any wire cut to length will be too short.
  • Equivalent replacement parts aren’t.
  • When you finally update to a new technology, is when everyone stop supporting it.
  • Interchangeable parts aren’t
  • The less intelligent the idea, and the person stating it, the more likely it will be funded.
  • A man with one watch is certain about time. A man with two watches isn’t.
  • The more knowledge you gained, the less certain you are of it.
  • If you think you understand science (or computers or women), you’re clearly not an expert
  • Technicians are the only ones that don’t trust technology
  • All impossible failures, will happen at the test site.
  • The more you want to contact someone over an instant messenger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be on-line.
  • The more important your email is, the worse your email client will screw it up.
  • The degree to which a device will function is directly proportional to the number of times it has been bashed and inversely to its cost.
  • A device having an indestructible component or is user serviceable is deemed unsafe until it’s replaced by an expensive, unobtainable, inefficient component which needs constant servicing.
  • Assaf’s Laws of Replacement Parts
    • A failed 25¢ part cannot be replaced by a new 25¢ part, but by a sub-assembly whose cost is equal to or greater than that of the device in need of the part
    • The cost and availability of a replacement part are in inverse proportion to the cost of the whole system: a $1500 device will fail because of the burnout of a 25¢ capacitor. But the 25¢ capacitor is either
      • no longer manufactured
      • manufactured only by a company in Outer Mongolia with an 18-month backlog
      • available only as part of a $1450 sub-assembly
  • All things mechanical/electrical will catastrophically fail after the guarantee has expired, unless an extended guarantee has been purchased.
  • Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature, humidity, pressure, etc., the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
  • The disappearance of a nagging error in a system is explicable only in terms of insignificant contribution of the source to that system
  • The repairman will have never seen a model quite like yours before
  • The repairman fixes your machine to break down the next day and charges for a new machine.
  • While technology progresses at the speed of light it’s implementation is filtered through the speed of bureaucracy
  • In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is.
  • never underestimate incompetency

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